AM I ME YET?
Last week on Instagram, I wrote briefly about defining and evolving. It was prompted by both the discovery of a simple yet brilliant quote… and a sizeable amount of the summer spent on the beach indulging in a lot of navel gazing.
First the quote: “Who you are is for you to define.” These eight simple words of wisdom came from AmyAnn Cadwell, Co-Founder of a site I’ve just discovered - The Good Trade. Bookmark it now - it's full of good things to love.
In regard to the frequent bouts of introspection - I wasn’t stretched out in a bikini, staring at my (or anyone else’s) belly button if that’s what you’re wondering - heaven forbid. I’m referring instead to time spent walking, swimming and sitting on the coastline - senses in overdrive, tuned in via the highest frequency to every emotion and feeling I was experiencing. This is what the coast does for me. Side note: Given how much the aforementioned quote resonated, if at any time in the future I do want to stretch out on the sand in a bikini, I will. You have been warned.
Somewhere amid the August heat haze, via a conversation with an Instagram friend who is often spookily in sync with how I’m feeling, we discussed our mutual contemplation of who we are and the eternal yet slightly odd question of “Am I me yet?”
As summer carried me along and I soaked up every ray of sunshine, felt the warmth on my skin and gulped in all the fresh air I could, I realised that, whilst engaged in the ongoing search for her I was missing the point. She’s always been there and if I can’t quite place her, it's simply because she keeps evolving.
This summer she became more earthy - feral even but in the best possible sense. Her focus became raw and more sharp - everything she now feels is on a level of intensity that surpasses anything that came before. From the slight to the significant. From noticing the imperceptible drop in morning air temperature that signifies a change in season to the all encompassing waves of protective love she feels for those she keeps close.
She’s working on her acceptance of change as a constant and acknowledging that these days, the concept of impermanence is more a state of reality than a Pinterest quote. She’s trying to break the habit of grieving for the life she had before the midlife placard was waved under her nose for inspection. The one that said: This is how things are now. Just get on with it one day at a time and let the rest do what it will. You can steer the ship but you can’t control the storm.
She’s figuring out the best ways to navigate the choppy swell that sometimes rises out of nowhere whilst remembering to relish those millpond calm moments too. And now she knows the answer to the question and that it’s time for the search to stop.
She’s already here. I’m already me. Wholehearted, ever changing and always evolving.
Defined only by myself, without explanation and happy for you to take me as you find me. Which is usually beside the sea.
