BECAUSE OF 2020...
I have an ever changing, mental list of things I’ll continue to care about and those that I won’t. One makes way for the other.
I’ve learnt that retaining hope and a sense of quiet optimism is vital for my sanity… and sometimes delivers against the odds.
I made it to the beach at first light on a cold October morning with H and in the wind and rain, we watched the sunrise. It didn’t last very long but it was magical.
I’ve read more books than ever before and found so much joy in them… on the days when my concentration wasn’t all over the place.
I’m learning to look deeper into what makes my soul happy when it comes to creativity.
I’ve begun to think about existing business income elements that no longer feel right and how to move forward to make enough to continue doing what I love.
I swam in the sea throughout summer and learnt that happiness and calm comes in waves.
Every routine, be it domestic or personal, has been simplified. Simple is the way forward from here on in.
I’ve taken to throwing open the windows on dark winter mornings or standing out in the garden with the dog and doing nothing other than listen to the world slowly waking up.
I stand by my choices and won’t be dissuaded from them to avoid awkwardness. “No thank you, I won’t step inside your house until the pandemic is properly under control. You can think of me as a paranoid weirdo if you like. I don’t care. I value my health more.”
I realised that picnics and coffees outdoors with friends are joyous and prior to this year, was something we almost never did.
I began to learn the differences between believing myself to be not racist and being actively anti-racist. And to begin the uncomfortable process of facing up to some of the behaviours that systemic racism has ingrained in me.
I’ve taken an odd comfort in feeling grateful that my mum hasn’t had to live through the pandemic. I know she wouldn’t have coped.
I’ve developed a reliance on nature for comfort and calm. In turn, that’s sharpened my focus on how we live, our imprint on the planet and what we consume.
I’ve watched H teach herself to play piano and guitar and of late, take an interest in photography. I think she is the coolest person I know.
I’m trying to accept that I have to live alongside the fear of my own mortality and not let it take over. I recognise that it shouldn’t stop me from living the best life I can as opposed to one lived in fear.
I’ve learnt the importance of accepting the bad days, dark times and feelings of uncertainty. Experience teaches me I come back from them and carry on, even when I think it’s impossible.
I sometimes feel an overwhelming sense of inner wild and the need to be feral. I don’t know another way to describe it or how to elaborate but the feeling is there nonetheless.
I never appreciated the warmth of the sunshine as much as I have this year.
I understood the full extent of the negative impact that continual consumption of media, news and social media can have. And how way too many people still don’t pause to question what they’re being force fed and just keep on consuming.
I can’t and won’t change who I am in order to mould myself into the person that others want me to be.
More than ever I harbour the dream of moving to a remote beach house and spending the rest of my life reading, walking, cooking and writing.
I realised I can cry tears of happiness over an election result in a country that’s 4,000 miles away. And at the same time feel sadness that I can’t yet do the same over the choices made by our own democracy.
I’d like to get the word “hope” tattooed on my inner arm in 2021.
I eventually learnt that I was comfortable in seeking and sharing moments of beauty amid the hardest of years. Because what is life if you can't do that?
