MIDLIFE BUT NOT AS WE KNOW IT # 03
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Amid times that are downright bizarre, it should come as no surprise that you’ll find yourself doing downright bizarre things. Like for instance, taking photos of bits of yourself and emailing them to the receptionist at the GP surgery. So far these include the dark brown raised patches that grew on your face in multiples (the response to which is “Yes… these are common with ageing”) and later on, a really hard lump that slowly and somewhat painfully appeared on top of your foot over a matter of months. Again… “Yes… these are common with ageing.”
Screw your own ageing… the poor receptionist is going to be ageing at a rate of light years if she has to keep opening emails that contain photos of your random body parts. As your GP wisely points out during the inevitable phone consult that follows the aforementioned body part photo and subsequent apology for the overshare - “This is the new medicine now.” Hmmm… lets hope this new medicine doesn’t have to last much longer. Or I can only imagine the look on the receptionists face when it comes to a query regarding matters of a gynaecological nature…
You like big brows and you cannot lie. The full on fluffy, sticky-uppy, Cara Delevingne variety. The kind that clearly you have to comb because, let's face it, these bad boys need to be tamed before they get out of control! You have an obsession with sporting a bonafide “boy brow” as it's known in beauty circles - which you know because you see it pop up all over Instagram on a regular basis. Which leads you to wonder how invasive the algorithm is. Has it actually witnessed you combing your brows every morning and setting them with lashings of stiff gel? Perhaps it really does inform and influence all of your choices.
Back to brows. As you groom them with a dedication bordering on fanatical, you begin to realise that this too is common with ageing. Your once full, Brooke Shields circa the Blue Lagoon years brows of youth are diminishing at a rate that quite frankly, seems unfair. You haven’t plucked or shaped them in years - so where have they gone - should you send out a Brow Search Party? And why is it only the odd stray hair that pops up as new growth but nowhere near your actual brow, choosing instead to take up residence half way down the side of your face? Not being able or really wanting to go down the laminating or microblading route; after much trial and error you identify your weapon of choice to be Benefit 24-Hour Brow Setter * followed by a few fill in strokes with a Bobbi Brown Perfectly Defined Long Wear Brow Pencil in Espresso *. All day long hold and shape without looking like you have a layer of elephant snot stuck to your brows. Job done.
In an ongoing effort to leave a lighter footprint from the time you have left on the planet, (and to offset the amount of empty Benefit Brow Setter tubes you have to drop off at the John Lewis Beauty Recycling * point), you’re making it your life’s work to find a sustainable alternative to the humble washing up scourer sponge. Having previously favoured the supermarket six pack green ones with just the right amount of non-stick friendly scour pad on top; for the last year you’ve spent an inordinate amount of time researching and testing environmentally friendly alternatives. You already own the aesthetically pleasing, wooden washing up brush, but when it comes to getting into nooks and crannies and the removal of scrambled egg that appears to have been fused to the pan for decades, only the scourer sponge equivalent will do. And don’t let any slow living, sustainable kitchen Instagram account tell you otherwise.
Your recent acquisitions include the compostable cleaning cloths that work well as a disposable dishcloth substitute - but as a scourer sponge? Not so much. And this loofah pad that, by the time it expands in water, looks like it really should be in the bath with you, not floating about with the dinner plates in the sink. The husband, who agrees that planet saving efforts are of paramount importance, gives you the side eye when you proudly place your latest sustainable goodies on the dish drainer rack and you know instantly that he has doubts. This is confirmed when some weeks later, whilst searching for something in Crap Corner at the back of the Man Cave, you find [gasp]… smuggled contraband. Somehow, during his weekly pandemic food shop mission to the supermarket, he has managed to let a six pack of the Old Green Favourites mysteriously fall into the trolley.
When confronted, he sheepishly admits to not liking the new sponge substitutes as they don’t work very efficiently - he is all about the right tools for the job. In a rare moment of acquiescence you’re inclined to agree and so find yourself back to the scourer sponge drawing board once more. Two weeks on and you’re hopeful for your latest procurement of these - they look like a scourer sponge, walk like a scourer sponge and quack like a scourer sponge. And the majority of customer reviews were good.
Because scanning reviews with a critical eye of anything before you so much as contemplate an addition to basket is what you do now.
