REFLECTIONS
Navigating the choppy waters of the gradual relaxation of restrictions and awaiting each new guideline update with trepidation is the latest in a long line of challenges it seems. In a situation that feels completely alien, all I have for the purposes of contrast and comparison is a recent then and the present now. How I felt as we approached and went into lockdown compared to the here and now of taking the first tentative steps back out into the great wide open.
Perhaps like me, you’ve found yourself in a constant back and forth between the shelter of a protective bubble, momentarily tucked away from the harsh realities to the sudden yet unnervingly repetitive plunge into the depths of those “What the actual fuck?” moments.
I loved reading Alex’s post detailing a few things she’s learned living through lockdown and in a moment of needing to feel that I could take something reflective and useful from all of this, I was inspired to share a few contemplations of my own.
Some are a little more meandering than others...
My status as a control freak, stickler-for-routine planner who can’t abide uncertainty of any type has been cemented for all eternity in recent weeks. But living through these uncertain times has forced me to look that square in the face, accept it and stop berating myself whilst I’m at it. Conversely, it's also highlighted that when push comes to shove, I’m far more adaptable than I thought I was.
Even if I thought we were getting better at minimising food wastage and managing our monthly finances efficiently before this, there’s always room for improvement. I thought our meal planning was spot on until the weekly supermarket shop began to resemble something akin to mission impossible and the thought of going more than once a week felt too risky. And like Alex, we’ve found that it’s possible to save more money than we thought.
We’d already made a cut back plan at the beginning of this year in order to prepare for a future with a growing teen who’ll soon be building a life of her own. However, once you no longer go anywhere and realise that you’d give up in a heartbeat, any amount of frivolous shopping opportunities in exchange for not being scared to leave the house, it's amazing how much you realise you don’t need and therefore you don’t spend.
The best thing I’ve done for my mental health recently has been to curate my Instagram feed into one with the feel good factor only and to step away from all media and social media during the tougher times. I’m referring to those times when I simply couldn’t face reading or listening to one more opinion or speculation piece containing the words “might” or “could”. The same goes for being on the receiving end of another piece of shared information that actually isn’t information at all but merely a theory, or in some cases plain old, made up shite. You know the type of thing - it gets passed from pillar to post, only gaining credibility based on the number of times it's been shared as opposed to you know… being factually correct.
This article entitled Reaction Overload on No Sidebar perfectly encapsulates the whole out of control media/political infighting/information overload fiasco way more eloquently that I could have attempted and makes for a reassuring read if you’re looking for peace of mind in these times.
The catastrophizing “What If’s” that go hand in hand with anxiety have the ability to exhaust me until I just want to crawl under the duvet and not resurface for a good few months. Try as I might, when I’m stuck in the moment and succumbing to a myriad of negative thoughts and feelings, I fail to remember that they’re just that - thoughts and feelings. They’re not facts, bizarre intuition or some freakishly clever predictions of the future. They’re the result of an overactive mind and of being plunged into a situation never before experienced.
I’m learning to tell myself, on repeat, that the thoughts are not me and that they don’t control me. I can learn to control them… it’ll just take time and plenty of practice. They’re moments of storms laden with black clouds and they’re frightening in their intensity. But they do pass and the sun comes out again… in fact, it was there behind the clouds all along. I just couldn’t see it for a little while.
The small joyous moments have become more important than ever and it’s crucial to partake of them regularly and on a guilt-free basis. Seemingly trivial things can make a good day feel even better… cow parsley picked from the hedgerow, red lipstick just because, an impromptu early morning beach paddle, blow drying and straightening a previously unkempt thatch of hair even though there’s nowhere to go or losing myself in a really good movie about a troop of singing fishermen in Cornwall.
Feel free to add to the list and indulge on an ongoing basis without guilt or hesitation.
My over-protective, micro-managing parental tendencies get out of control during times of crisis. When I lost my Mum, after a fraught couple of months I (eventually) realised that I was practically bending over backwards to try and protect H from anything else that might land in her lap and add to her sorrow.
Reaching this summer half term break, I’ve realised that I’ve been at it again since we went into lockdown. Only this time, excelling like never before in my attempts to plan ahead for every eventuality and sweep any potential pitfalls from her path. This time I almost broke myself in the process.
Instead of getting the balance right - giving over a little more time to ensure she was coping with this strange situation and being on hand for advice when asked or a chat as necessary - I fell into my own trap of becoming the constant watcher and asker. When you’re a teen, asking always equates to nagging and those who’ve been there will know the kind of response that too much of that will elicit.
I sacrificed too much of my own time that, in hindsight, would have been better spent focusing on work and holding onto some normality of my own. Now that I’ve recognised it, I’m trying to redress the balance and let her find her own way through some of the challenges - giving advice when asked and providing moral support when needed… as opposed to constant hand-holding. They say you have to let them fail sometimes but letting them fail amidst the uncertainty of a global pandemic is more of a challenge than I realised.
Parenting fails, media insanity and storm clouds aside, I think under the circumstances, we’re doing okay. As we move towards the second half of the year, I only wish the same for you and hope that summer brings not just brighter days but brighter, safer and more settled times ahead too.
