WHY I'VE DECIDED TO TRY HRT
It’s been a while since I’ve talked about the subject that has had a pretty big impact on my life these last three years. In all honesty, I haven’t felt like the “old me” since I’d just turned forty seven in spring 2016… and that seems like the longest time when it comes to not feeling like your old self.
You might be wondering who my old self was because let's face it, I don’t think she’s been very present around here of late. She was bordering on being that annoyingly positive person with a zest for life, sufficient energy to get shit done, appreciative of the smallest joys and, notwithstanding the odd dip here and there, generally able to bounce back and cope with what life threw at her.
At this point, you’d be forgiven for thinking that a post about the menopause holds no interest as you’re perhaps a long way off and surely it can’t be that bad can it? I would urge any woman at any age to read on as we all go through it in some form or another and if we don’t understand it fully, as I didn’t, it can have way more of an impact than you might think.
Up until fairly recently, I didn’t understand what the term perimenopause meant and the effect that these intense hormonal changes could have. Let’s face it - hormones are chemicals and when you understand the potential impact that being chemically imbalanced can have, it begins to open your eyes a little more to the whole concept.
As the post title announces, I’ve decided it’s time to try HRT. It’s taken me awhile to be able to devote time to considering this as there’s been a lot of other life events going on that have had a significant impact overall. For this reason, I’m not for a moment putting every single bit of how I feel down to perimenopause… but I’m beginning to suspect it is playing a major part.
And before I carry on, it’s important to say that I’m only just beginning to understand how different and unique this process is for every woman. Whilst there are now a long list of symptoms that we know can accompany perimenopause and menopause, they can come at you in any combination. And therein perhaps lies the potential for confusion as we try to figure out what the hell is happening to us.
For lists of possible symptoms, I’ve found the following sites really helpful, informative and reassuring:
Since 2016 my own symptoms have steadily accumulated to look like this:
Feeling unable to cope on an almost daily basis
Low mood
Loss of libido
Irregular and infrequent periods
Irritable and snappy as hell some days
Forgetfulness and lots of brain fog moments
Insomnia
Tearful (I will cry at anything)
Joint aches (I wouldn’t go as far to call it pain)
Breast tenderness (sometimes pretty intense)
Anxiety over things that previously I would have been able to cope with
The impact of these over a long term period has been far reaching. As a result, I've lost the majority of my self-confidence, I feel incapable as a parent (because parenting a teen is bloody hard anyway!) and I feel unappreciative of the good things I have in life… and I know that I do have so much to be thankful for.
At times I’ve felt like an ungrateful partner to my husband, self-destructive, plain selfish and sometimes reckless. Reckless with the good health that I possess as, yet again I’ll find myself caught in the self-loathing trap. You might be familiar with it. It involves emotional eating (usually too much of the stuff that has very little nutritional value), not getting anywhere near enough exercise and using wine to numb the pain come the evening.
I don’t share these things lightly and if I’m honest, I share them with trepidation as I’m a notorious perfectionist and despite my rare days in fuck it mode, I do on the whole, care what people think. Admitting that some of my life choices can be seen as foolish and destructive feels me with shame and yet more self-loathing.
But as a kind-hearted soul recently advised me, this is a time when I need to be kinder and more gentle on myself than ever before. Funny how we don’t seem to find that very easy most days isn’t it?
The main reason that I’m writing this post is that if you’re reading this whilst going through something similar, I hope it might provide a bit of a lightbulb moment and let you see that you’re not (as I thought I was), completely losing your shit for no apparent reason. Also, more on this later, but the kind-hearted friend mentioned above shared her own lightbulb moment with me… so think of it as a pay it forward gesture if you like.
In reference to my trying HRT, even though I thought I was pretty clued up on perimenopause, I didn’t realise that you can try it before you’re officially “in” menopause. My doctor didn’t make this clear and I didn’t think to clarify. In medical terms, the menopause is usually defined as the time reached one year after your last menstrual period… and the point I thought I had to wait to get to before I could even consider HRT.
I’ve been back to see my doctor twice since having my Mirena coil removed in April 2017. In the spring of this year I went to ask for blood tests to check my hormone levels. However my understanding is that due to constant fluctuations, it may be difficult to gain an accurate picture so it's rare that the NHS will provide this service. Although I’m sure you can pay to have it done if you’re able to able to go down the private consultation route.
When I enquired about the blood tests I was told that you can’t have one until you’re in menopause. HRT wasn’t offered but Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT) was suggested instead. I’ve spoken openly about seeing a therapist and in the main we’ve talked about grief, past family relationships and my own parenting anxieties. I haven’t as yet requested any CBT specific to dealing with menopause symptoms - possibly because I’m not having hot flushes or night sweats and it was these that I’d heard it can be very helpful with.
In September I went back to the doctor again as the whole breast tenderness thing arrived with a vengeance and it was worrying me. It worried me even more when she gave me a pregnancy test kit “just to be sure” - especially as Patrick has had a vasectomy! This of course was negative (phew!) and it was explained to me that the tenderness was down to oestrogen surges and is a normal part of perimenopause. More joyous news there then.
A few weeks ago, the aforementioned kind-hearted friend called me out of the blue to find out if I was okay after she’d seen something I’d posted on Instagram. After a long and very personal conversation discussing our shared experiences (for which I will always be grateful), I discovered that you can be prescribed HRT whilst perimenopausal and still having periods. I’ve since been reading about it here and have spoken to another couple of women who’ve been through the same experiences and its helped them enormously.
After one very tearful appointment with a different female doctor in our GP practice last week, that’s where I am - about to give it a go. If you’re wondering whether I understand the perceived risks and have read enough about them, I can only reassure you with the following. This decision hasn’t been taken lightly and its one I’ve talked over with Patrick at length. I’ve also explained it all to H as heaven forbid she should grow up as uninformed as I was about all of this.
I’ve read as much as I can (a lot of here makes for sensible, non media scare-mongering reading) and I feel that to continue on with the poor quality of life and indulging in destructive habits poses far more risk in the longer term.
N.B. Edit Update - After doing some more reading today about HRT, I found this £4.99 e-book called The Truth About HRT on Liz Earle’s wellbeing site and it makes for such an enlightening read, as do many other articles on her site. I’m bookmarking this as another useful resource.
Whilst I’m desperate for a solution, I’m trying not to pin my hopes on this as I know it may not work for me. Or I may need to try it in different formulations or doses to get it right. For starters I need to wait for my next period (if you can call it that) before I get going with it and these days, they seem to be rarer than hen’s teeth… not that I’m complaining!
Because I still have minimal but occasional bleeds I’m going with a cyclical method of topical daily oestrogen gel and a daily progesterone tablet. Once I get started, I’ll be noting down everything from physical symptoms to how I feel so that I can properly assess how its going and make informed decisions along the way.
In any case I’ll check back in a few weeks and update you on the HRT element and any other positive lifestyle changes that I’m hoping to make as a result of feeling a bit more in control of life.
And hopefully, a bit more like my old self again.
